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BEACON Senior News

Laughing Matters

10 Christmas puns

Submitted by Leslie Shuer 

1. How did the ornament get
addicted to Christmas? 

He was hooked on trees his
whole life.

2. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? 

Because he had very low elf
esteem.

3. What does the Grinch do
with a baseball bat? 

Hits a gnome and runs.

4. What do you call a broke
Santa Claus? 

Saint Nickel-less.

5. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? 

A rebel without a Claus.

6. Why did Frosty ask for a
divorce? 

His wife was a total flake.

7. Why does Scrooge love
 reindeer so much? 

Because every single buck is dear to him!

8. What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa? 

A Christmas quacker.

9. What’s Santa’s favorite snack food? 

Crisp Pringles.

10. Why do mummies like
Christmas so much? 

They’re into all the wrapping. 


A punny Christmas

Submitted by Judy Howard

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense? 

“Wait, there’s myrrh!” 


A sign of the times

Submitted by Clark Bellington 

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, he asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open- mouthed and horrified. 

“Didn’t you get my email?”


Buy your own gift

Submitted by Robert Walles

Last Christmas, Grandpa was feeling his age and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so he decided to send checks to everyone instead.

In each card he wrote, “Buy your own present!” and mailed them early.

He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had received very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened. Then he cleared his desk and under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks, which he’d forgotten to enclose with the cards. 


The perfect dress

Submitted by Donna Morton

Jennifer’s wedding day was approaching and nothing could dampen her excitement—not even her parents’ divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever.

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new wife had bought the exact same dress! She asked her to exchange it, but she refused. Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, “Never mind, sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.” 

They went shopping a few days later and found another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course, I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”


Perks of having a wife

Submitted by Jacque Stafford

A senior citizen said to his 80-year-old buddy:   

“So I hear you’re getting married.”   

“Yep!”   

“Do I know her?”   

“Nope!”   

“Is she good looking?”   

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”   

“Nah, she can’t cook too well.”   

“Does she have lots of money?”   

“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”   

“Well, then, is she good in bed?”   

“I don’t know.”   

“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

“Because she can still drive!” 

 

Rules and regulations

Submitted by Beth Martin

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.   

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”


More like home

Submitted by Joe Hendricks

In the retirement community of Sun City in Hilton Head, South Carolina last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: “I miss Chicago.”

So someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires and left a note that read: “Hope this helps!”


Weight gain 101

Submitted by Mary Fran Baldo

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue? Then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where did the glue go? You know where it went! That’s what makes the cake stick to your butt.


Hey, darling

Submitted by ML Madsen

The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new laborer one day and barked at him:

“What’s your name?”

“John,” the new guy replied.

The foreman scowled. “Look, I don’t know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It’s weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only. If I want a job done, I yell “Baker, get this.” or “Jones, do that.” Now that we have that straight, what’s your last name?

The new guy sighs and said “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then quietly said “Okay, John, the first thing I want you to do is...”

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