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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters

Top Gum

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

There’s a new movie out starring Tom Cruise called “Top Gum.”

It’s about how a hockey player got his dentures. It’s destined to be a “big hit,” or in NHL terminology, “A check from behind!”  


Sales Pitch

Submitted by Hap Jordan

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big department store (the kind where you find everything in one place) looking for a job.

The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

“Yes,” the young man replies, “I was a salesman back in Omaha.”

The interview goes well and the man gets the job. 

“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did,” says the manager.

The man’s first day on the job is rough, but he gets through it. After the store is locked up, the boss comes down and asks, “How many customers bought something from you today?” 

“One,” the man replies.

The manager says, “Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The man replies, “$101,237.65.”

Flabbergasted, the manager asks, “What the heck did you sell?”

“Well, first, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”

“A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?” the manager asks.

The man replies, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot. You should go fishing.’”


Why dogs are better pets than cats

Submitted by Corrine Perry

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you’re sad, and he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats must have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them, and they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only things cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.


Good excuse

Submitted by Natalie Schlabaugh

A senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. 

He looked in his rear-view mirror and saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He increased speed to 100, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over. 

The trooper pulled in behind him and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The older gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife
ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” the trooper replied.


Gassin’ up

Submitted by Kevin Ray

I was at the gym recently when I suddenly realized that I needed to fart. A song from the group KISS was playing really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. I grunted out five strong, loud ones back to back.

After the song, I started to feel better. As I sat up from the bench press, I noticed that my fellow gym rats were staring me down with a look of disgust. That’s when I remembered I’d been listening to music on my iPhone.


Jealousy

Submitted by Jay Schmidt

I always hated my sister because she was selected as prom queen every year—and we were homeschooled!


Slow and painful death

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

A married couple had a heated argument. The wife said, “I can’t take it anymore. Pack your bags and get out!”

The man went upstairs and packed a suitcase. He came down the stairs and as he headed out the door, the wife said, “I wish you a slow and painful death.”

The husband turned to his wife and said, “So now you want me to stay?” 


Bogie and Bacall

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

We all remember the Hollywood couple Bogart and Bacall. One Christmas, she bought Bogie a female cat. He named it Samantha. By spring, the cat was leaving scent on the furniture so they decided to take her to the vet to get fixed. Afterward, Bogie renamed her, “Sam Spayed.”


Do trees poop?

Submitted by Samuel Hall

Of course they do! Where do you think No. 2 pencils come from?