Submitted by Marv Williams
“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked a boy.
“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.
After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”
“Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
Submitted by Bob Breazeale
John and Mary recently celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary. John is rather frugal with his money—a real tightwad, actually. He asked Mary what she wanted as a gift and she replied, “They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, so I’d like something with 13 diamonds.”
So John gave her a new deck of playing cards.
No speeding ticket
Submitted by Ira Case
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
Advice from my mother
Submitted by Wilma Kroschel
My mother Ruby Beardslee told me: I have been bawled out, balled up, held down, hung up, bulldozed, cheated, squeezed and mooched on. I have been stuck for war tax, dog tax and syntax. I have worked like hell and been worked like hell. I have been cussed, discussed, talked to and talked about, lied to and lied about—and the only reason I am sticking around now is to see what in the hell is next!
Submitted by Michael Madsen
Three brothers—age 92, 94 and 96—live together in a house.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses, then yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.”
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”
The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” and knocks on the wooden table for good luck.
Then he yells back to his brothers, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door!”
Signs of Alzheimer’s
Submitted by Jay Schmidt
What is the first sign of Alzheimer’s?
You get a puppy because you forget how much work they are.
Why men are proud of themselves
Submitted by Jonathan Kersey
We know stuff about tanks.
A five-day trip requires only one suitcase.
We can kill our own food.
We don’t have to learn how to spell a new last name.
We can leave a motel bed unmade.
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend.
If we are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts us for years—maybe decades.
We don’t have to shave below the neck.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
We don’t care if someone notices our new haircut.
We can do our nails with a pocket knife.
Wedding dress: $2,000; Tux rental: $100.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
We don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.