Submitted by Bob Breazeale
A famous actress was hired by a big cosmetics company as a spokesperson and consultant. But because of her overbearing attitude, her obnoxious comments and her snooty treatment of the employees, she was fired after only one week.
A reporter asked the CEO of the company what happened. The CEO said, “She was hired because of her poise and personality. She was fired because of her poison personality.”
Submitted by Ben Kuckel
A few puns make me numb, but math puns make me number.
I wanted to be a monk, but I never got the chants.
To the thief who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.
My friend David had his ID stolen. Now he’s just Dav.
My friend was explaining electricity and I was like, “Watt?”
The finest shoes are made of smooth leather. My opinion will never be suede.
Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He’s in ICU.
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything!
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, Back.
Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently, it wasn’t set high enough.
Big-a-mist: an Italian fog.
Have you noticed “The” and “IRS” spells theirs?
If your guy doesn’t appreciate fresh fruit puns, let that mango!
Submitted by Jan Weeks
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied, “No.”
She responded, “How about now?”
Army basic training
Submitted by Steve Schoolfield
When I went through basic training, some of the drill sergeants were abusive. But some of the recruits were tough and could take it.
Some of the recruits who were abused used to brag about it. One morning after chow, one recruit bragged to me, “My drill sergeant punched me square in the mouth!”
Another recruit bragged, “My drill sergeant kicked me square in the rear!”
A third recruit bragged, “My drill sergeant slapped the mess out of me!”
They asked me what my drill sergeant did to me. I replied proudly, “He popped me in the head with a pencil!”
You know you’re getting older when…
Submitted by Crystal Cartwright
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
You hear snap, crackle, pop, and you’re not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
Last year’s gift
Submitted by John Neal
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn’t buy her anything. When she asked why, I said, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
Submitted by Jan Weeks
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. She’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house, so I bought her a magazine rack.
Tricking the Tooth Fairy
Submitted by Victoria Hendricks
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old granddaughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The Tooth Fairy will never believe this!”
Submitted by M. L. Madsen
A prisoner escapes from jail by dig-ging a tunnel and finds himself in a toddler playground. As he emerges from the hole he yells, “I’m free! I’m free!” A small boy watching him walks up and says, “So? Big deal! I’m 4!”
Learning the truth
Submitted by Marianne Rossini
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened.