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BEACON Senior News

Laughing Matters

Last Harley ride

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road.

A shiny new convertible pulled up and a beautiful young woman asked, “Are you okay?” As I looked up, I couldn’t help but notice she was wearing a low-cut blouse.

“I’m okay, I think,” I said as I pulled myself up to lean on her car.

She said, “Get in. I’ll take you home and help clean and bandage up the cuts and that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered. “But I don’t think my wife will like that.”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she said. “I’m glad to help with your cuts and scrapes.”

Well, she was very persuasive. Instead of taking me home, she took me to her place because it was close by. After bandaging my wounds and sharing a couple of cold beers with her, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset with me. I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly,” she responded. “Stay awhile. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

I replied, “Still in the ditch with the Harley, I suppose.”

The other woman

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

A wife asks her husband, “When I die, will you partner with another woman?”

Her husband replies, “I suppose so, but why are you asking such a silly question?”

She asks, “Do you think she’ll wear my clothes?”

He says, “I don’t know, she might. They’re beautiful clothes.”

She asks, “Do you think she’ll drive my car?”

He responds, “I don’t know; I guess so.”

“How about my jewelry? Will she wear my jewelry?” she asks.

He says, “I don’t know. Probably.”

The she asks, “Will she use my golf clubs?”

Her husband replies, “Definitely not. She’s left-handed.”

The fly

Submitted by Bill Carol

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were at a bar and had just started drinking their first round when a fly landed in each of their drinks. 

The Englishman refused to drink his and ordered another.

The Irishman blew away his fly in a cloud of froth and carried on drinking.

But the Scotsman carefully lifted the fly out by its wings and held it over his glass.

“Go on,” he said to the fly, “Spit it oot ya wee bastard!”

No prayers needed

Submitted by Harry Davis

The Sunday school teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, do you say prayers before eating?” 

“No, ma’am,” little Johnny replies. “I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.”

Pigs for sale

Submitted by J. Dominguez

A farmer had five female pigs that he decided to sell at the county fair since times were hard. 

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. They decided to mate the pigs and split everything evenly. The farmers lived 60 miles away from one another so they agreed to each drive 30 miles to a field in which to mate their pigs. 

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up early, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon and drove the 30 miles. 

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?” 

“If they’re grazing in the morning, they’re pregnant,” he replied. “If they’re in the mud, they’re not.” 

The next morning, the farmer woke up to find the pigs rolling in the mud. He hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon, met the other farmer in the field and proceeded to try again. 

The following morning, he found them in the mud again. 

The same thing happened every day for a week. One morning, the farmer was so tired that he couldn’t get out of bed. 

“Honey,” the farmer asked his wife, “please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field.”  

“Neither,” his wife said. “They’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

Minor procedure

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A guy goes to the doctor for a minor procedure. The doctor says, “My fee is $100 now and $75 per week for 52 weeks.”

“That’s an unusual way to pay,” says the patient. 

The doctor replies, “Not really— I’m buying a used car.”

Marriage adds up

Submitted by Edward Anderson

A little boy was attending his first wedding. 

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” 

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed. “How do you know that?”

“It’s easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up like the Bishop said: four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.”

The truth about kids

Submitted by Dawn Murray

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children is enough. 

Q. I’m two months pregnant. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college. 

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
So what’s your question? 

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain that I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. 

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? 
Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you. 

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy. 

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly. 

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.