New Year’s resolutions for my husbandDec 23, 2021 10:54AM ● By Sally Breslin
Every December 31, when I’d ask my husband if he had any New Year’s resolutions, he would look thoughtful for a moment then shake his head, shrug and say, “Nope, I can’t think of a single thing.”
I, on the other hand, could think of plenty for him. As a joke, I got into the habit of writing a list of resolutions for him every year and handing it to him on New Year’s Eve. Even though my husband is gone now, I occasionally still get the urge to write the annual list of resolutions for him. Maybe the following can inspire other women who might be in need of resolution ideas for their own husbands or significant others.
1. When I have insomnia, I’ll no longer ask my wife to tell me about her day to help put me to sleep.
2. At least once a week I’ll watch a movie that does not contain bloodshed, weapons of mass destruction, scantily clad women or car chases that involve crashing into fruit stands or sidewalk cafes.
3. And I’ll watch a movie that contains romance, shopping, dancing and cute little children or puppies. While doing so, I will not roll my eyes and complain about getting a toothache from all of the “sweetness.”
4. I’ll refrain from ordering extra-large takeout foods, such as 20-inch pizzas and 18-inch steak-and-cheese subs.
5. If I can’t refrain from buying the aforementioned pizzas and subs, I’ll try not to moan about the stomachache I have afterwards or how I need a priest to administer my last rites because I stuffed myself to the bursting point.
6. I will try not to ignore my wife’s fashion advice from now on, such as when she tells me that my red necktie with Mickey Mouse’s face all over it does not go well with my brown-and-green plaid shirt (or any other shirt, for that matter).
7. I calmly will accept the fact that my wife is always late for everything so I no longer will nag her or try to rush her. I also must learn that when I do try to rush her, she inevitably will end up dropping things, ripping things, spilling things or poking her eye with the mascara brush and making us arrive even later.
8. While I’m on the subject of my wife being late, I’ll try to understand that always arriving at the theater after the movie already has started and having to feel my way to my seat in total darkness, often causing me to accidentally sit on someone’s lap, should not stress me to the point where I need to pop extra blood-pressure pills.
9. I’ll try to refrain from spontaneously bursting into songs like “I’m Just a Love Machine” when my wife is trying to concentrate on something on her computer.
10. I no longer will rush out to buy every new tool and gadget advertised on TV just because it looks cool. I also promise to have a yard sale to get rid of the 550 tools and gadgets still sitting in unopened boxes out in the garage.
11. As I age, I’ll admit I’m shrinking in height and should consider taking my slacks or jeans to a tailor and having them professionally hemmed instead of compensating by pulling the waistband up to my chest or sporting four-inch-wide cuffs.
12. I’ll no longer watch TV shows based solely on how attractive I think the lead female character is, rather than on the plot.
13. I finally will part with all of my socks that no longer have toes or heels in them. Ditto for my underwear that looks as if it got caught in the crossfire during Bonnie and Clyde’s final shootout.
14. I will no longer wait until my wife is on the phone to ask her a dozen questions about such things as where my toenail clippers are or on what channel the “Xena, Warrior Princess” reruns are airing.
15. Last but not least, I promise I’ll hire a housekeeper to do all of the housework for my wife. Just to be safe, the housekeeper will look like Aunt Bea on the Andy Griffith Show, not a top model wearing a skimpy maid’s outfit.
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