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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters - October 2021

Laughing Matters Zebra

George and the dragon

Submitted by Miki Strobridge

An 18th century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.” He knocked and the innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window. 

“Can ye spare some victuals?” 

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No!” she shouted.

The vagabond knocked again.

“What now?” the woman screeched.

“Do ye suppose,” he asked, “that I might have a word with George?”


Rednecks

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Teacher: “Someone use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.”

Redneck’s kid: “My daddy’s beer belly is so big, when he puts on a 10-button shirt, he can only fasten eight!”

Why are there no rednecks in any of the Star Trek movies?

Because they are not expected to be any smarter in the future than they are now.

A redneck applies for a job. The boss isn’t certain how smart this guy is. So he decided to ask him some questions.

Boss: “A long time ago Captain Cook went on three ocean voyages. He died on one of them. Which one?”

Redneck: “I was never good at history. Could you ask me a different question?”


WHAT WAS THE NAME?

Submitted by Rob Hykys

A couple of neighbors were having dinner and enjoying friendly conversation. Tom asked, “John, have you been to that new Italian restaurant yet? It’s fantastic!

John replied, “No, what’s the name of it?” 

Tom pondered for a second and said, “Darn, I can’t recall. Help me out here, John. What’s the name of that flower that smells so sweet and has thorns?” 

John said, “You mean a rose?”

“Yeah, that’s it!” Tom said. “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that new Italian restaurant?”


A little wordplay

Submitted by Jan Weeks

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone a round.

4. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

5. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

6. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

7. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stair.

8. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

9. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

10. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

11. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

12. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

13. I went to the toy store  and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

14. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

15. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.


Universal Laws 

Submitted by Michelle Maddison

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw—when dropped—will roll to the least accessible corner or to where it will do the most damage.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell your boss you’re late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the doorbell or telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Aircraft: The people with windows seats arrive last.

The Starbucks Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance: If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they’ll stop making it.

Doctors’ Law: If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

Law of Appointment: Your appointment with the doctor may be at 11 a.m., but the doctor’s appointment with you is probably at 1p.m.


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