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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters - September 2021

Laughing Matters cat

Bigfoot

Submitted by Michelle Maddison

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.


A Polish divorce

Submitted by Shane O’Boyle

A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada for a year or so. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him to arrange a divorce for him very quickly. The lawyer said the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances.

“Why do you want this divorce?” the lawyer asked.

“She going to kill me,” the Polish man said.

“What makes you think that?”

“I got proof.”

“What kind of proof?”

“She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read. It says, ‘Polish Remover.’”


Old granny

Submitted by Miki Strobridge

A little girl asked her granny how old she was.

Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember anymore. 

The little girl replied, “If you don’t remember, you can just look at the back of your panties. Mine say six!”


Bill, the mailman

Submitted by Mary Garcia

The mailman walks the same route every day. One morning, a girl was playing outside her house and called out, “Hi, Bill!” Though that wasn’t the mailman’s name, he cheerily replied, “Hi!”

This went on for weeks until the mailman saw the girl’s mother. He asked, “Why does your daughter keep calling me Bill?”

The mother turned red and replied, “Because whenever I see you coming, I tell her, ‘Here come the bills.”

 

Blond joke

Submitted by Ralph Pugh

A blond man was driving home drunk. Suddenly he swerved to avoid a tree, then another and another. 

A cop pulled him over. The man told the cop about all the trees in the road. 

The cop said, “That’s your air freshener swinging about.”


One-liners

Submitted by Miki Strobridge

A man put an item he didn’t want any longer on the street with a sign that read “free.” When nobody took it, he replaced the sign with one that read “$10”. Someone stole it that night!

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

I’ve entered the snapdragon part of my life. Part of me has snapped and the rest of me is draggin’!

You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

How do pirates keep their parrot on their shoulder?

They use Poligrip!


Tough questions

Submitted by Teresa King

A little girl’s mother was driving her to her friend’s house for a sleepover.

“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It’s not polite.”

“Okay,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“Those are enough questions,” her mother says.

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

 “All you need to do is look at her driver’s license,” her friend says. “It’s like a report card. It has everything on it.”

Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds,” the little girl replies.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?” her mother asks.

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”


Deer hunters

Submitted by Donny Mason

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they asked, shocked.

“A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”


The haircut

Submitted by Darla Dawson 

One day, a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.”

The florist was pleased and left the shop. 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.”

The cop was happy and left the shop. 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut. When he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I can’t accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.”

The congressman was very happy and left the shop. 

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.


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