Laughing Matters - July 2021
THE AMAZING PIG
Submitted by Lee Bowerman
The salesman interrupted his own spiel and asked the farmer about his three-legged pig. The farmer explained that the pig had saved the whole family’s life by breaking down the door and pushing the baby’s crib out in the yard and woke up the rest of the family to save them from a fire.
“That doesn’t explain why it only has three legs,” the salesman said.
The farmer explained, “You wouldn’t butcher an amazing pig like that all at once!”
Submitted by Arthur Collins
A Colorado cowboy walks into a local bar, orders three mugs of Coors and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and says, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Ireland, and I’m here in Colorado. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we were able to drink together. So, I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks puzzled for a moment, but then it dawns on him and he laughs.
“Oh, no, no, everybody’s just fine,” he said. “It’s just that my wife had us join the local church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
YOU GOTTA BE DREAMING
Submitted by John Neal
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I dreamt last night that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he replied.
That evening, her husband gave her a package. Delighted, she opened it to find...a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”
IT’S WHAT WE EAT
Submitted by Darla Hatfield
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.
Submitted by Lee Bowerman
Two hillbillies were being interviewed for their commercial driver’s license. The tester asked, “What would you do if you were coming down a long hill with a narrow bridge at the bottom, and there was another truck coming down the hill on the other side?”
The hillbilly said, “The first thing I would do is wake up Leroy because he ain’t never seen a wreck like we’re about to have!”
Submitted by Susan Bower
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, summoning him to the IRS office. The auditor wasn’t surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment. Your explanation is that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler and I can prove it,” Grandpa says. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost $3,000, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Submitted by John Neal
I’m so old that I’ve actually dialed a rotary phone before, while listening to a Walkman, next to a black and white TV with aluminum foil on its rabbit ears!
When I die, I want my last words to be, “I left a million dollars under the...”
Two men knocked on my front door today asking if I’d donate to the new local pool. So I gave them a bottle of water.
Got a funny joke? Submit it for our Laughing Matters section by emailing it to [email protected]!
Read more jokes here.