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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters - May 2021

Laughing Matters cat

MIND YOUR BUSINESS

Submitted by John Neal

How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting “13...13...13...” The fence was too high to see over, but I noticed a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, and then they all started shouting “14...14...14...”


FAVORITE FLOWER

Submitted by Polly Smith

While attending a marriage weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal All Purpose, isn’t it?”


COMFORTABLE IN MY SKIN

Submitted by Dillon Cook

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So, the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation, they all agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from.

After the surgery, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than ever. All his friends and relatives raved about his youthful appearance, especially his mother.

One day, while alone with his wife, overcome with emotion at her sacrifice, he said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”


H2O

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

The inside of a fire hydrant contains H2O. What’s on the outside?
K9P.


GOLF BALL

Submitted by Bobby Dickenson

“How was your golf game, Jack?” his wife Tammy asked.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“You’re 75 years old, Jack,” she admonished. “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“He’s 85, forgetful and he doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tammy pointed out.

The next day, Jack teed off while Scott looked on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack. “Yup,” Scott answered. “Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 

“I forgot,” said Scott.


MORNING COFFEE

Submitted by Carla Johnson

One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee. Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. 

Puzzled, she asked her grandson, “Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?”

Her grandson answered, “Like it says on TV, Grandma, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.’”


SENIOR MOMENT

Submitted by Danny Preston

Two women were conversing over lunch. Mid-sentence, one woman pauses. After a few seconds, she shakes her head and puts her head in her hand as she tries to recall what she was about to say.

“My memory is so bad,” she said.

“How bad is it?” the other woman asked.

The first woman looked up and met the other woman’s eyes.

“How bad is what?”


THE THIRD WISH

Submitted by Rachel Murray

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, “And what will your third wish be?”

The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

“You’ve had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.”

“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I wish I was irresistible to women.”

“Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. “That was your first wish, too.”


JUST FOR LAUGHS

Submitted by John Neal

Told to make up her mind, Barbara says, “How do you put makeup on your mind?”

I was drying my son’s hair and he was saying, “Stop! Stop!” When I kept drying his hair, he said, “What are you, ear blind?”

One kid to another at the town pool: “How does the rope keep the deep water from getting into the shallow water?”

Why pay to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

I bought a pair of shoes. When I looked at the sole, it said “Made around the corner.”

You never know what you have...until you clean your room.


WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

What’s the difference between beets and snot?
Kids will eat snot.

What’s the difference between a pigeon and a farmer?
A pigeon can make a deposit on a new tractor.

What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an accordion.

What’s the difference between the Girl Scouts and Congress?
The Girl Scouts have adult supervision. 


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