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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters - April 2021

Laughing Matters stock photo of dog wearing sunglasses

COVID truths

Submitted by Jan Weeks
They say you can have gatherings of up to 10 people without any issues. I don’t know 10 people without any issues.

We should train all Amazon delivery drivers to give the vaccine. The whole population would be immunized by Saturday. Thursday, if you’ve got Prime.

So, you’ve eaten hot dogs and Chicken McNuggets all your life but don’t want the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it?

Who would’ve thought one day we’d be smoking weed at a family gathering, and the illegal part would be the family gathering?


Take Your Kid to Work Day

Submitted by Eddie Porter

A man took his 8-year-old daughter to the office with him on “Take Your Kid to Work Day.”

As they walked around the office, the girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked her what was wrong.

As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”


Going wireless

Submitted by Esther Porter

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. 

Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read, “California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200-year-old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the New Yorkers.”

One week later, a local newspaper in Mack, Colorado reported the following: 

“After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Mack, Henry Olson, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Henry has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mack had already gone wireless.”

Just makes a person proud to be from the Grand Valley.


There’s no place like home

Submitted by Frankie Roland

My 4-year-old grandson, Eric, had enjoyed the family vacation at Orlando but was also anxious to get home to his puppy back in Kansas.

He listened as different people on the airport shuttle called out their car locations as they drove through the parking garage.

“B-7, ’91 Dodge” called one.
“F-12, ’95 Pontiac” called another.

Suddenly, Eric stood up and yelled, “Just give me Kansas!”


Going to the game

Submitted by Harry Fishman

It’s game seven of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

His neighbor says, “No, the seat’s empty.”

“What?!” the man exclaims. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?”

The neighbor responds, “Well, the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA game we haven’t been to together.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” replies the first man. “Wasn’t there anyone else—a friend or relative—that could’ve taken that seat?”

“No,” the neighbor says, “They’re all at the funeral.”


A few chuckles

Submitted by Jan Weeks

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone to call and check on me every day. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

We’re not aging—we are ripening to perfection.

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by two minutes. I’ve done the math. Seems I died in 1537.

We all know mirrors don’t lie. I’m just grateful that they don’t laugh.

It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny little elf in your phone who’s trying so hard to be helpful but is quite drunk.


How to give a cat a pill

Submitted by Michelle Maddison

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

2. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in the right hand. As the cat opens its mouth, pop the pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

3. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

4. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

5. Take a new pill, cradle cat in the left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut.

6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of the wardrobe. Call spouse in.

7. Wrap cat in towel and get spouse to hold cat with head just visible. Put pill in end of drinking straw, put in cat’s mouth and blow down straw.

8. Check the label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take the taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Call the fire department to retrieve the cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat.

10. Take last pill and put it in cat’s mouth, followed by piece of steak.

11. Open another beer. 

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.