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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters - March 2021

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Not poop

Submitted by Caroline Hodge

Q) What’s brown and sticky?

A) A stick


Lecture

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

My brother’s wife has league bowling night on Thursdays at 7 p.m. Last week, one of the ladies couldn’t make it. The team captain asked her, “Why not?”

Woman: “Because I have to attend a lecture.”

Captain: “Oh. I didn’t know that you attended night school.”

Woman: “I don’t. I’m having dinner with my mother.”


Dental work

Submitted by Dave Boucher

One day a female pastor had to take some time off for dental work.

When she returned to preach her first Sunday back, she could only preach for 15 minutes. The next Sunday she could only preach for 30 minutes, the third week she preached for 2 hours. 

Of course, some members of her church were curious, so they asked her what happened.

She replied, “The first week my gums hurt and the second week my new teeth hurt.” The members then asked, “Well, what happened the third week?”

The pastor replied, “I put in my husband’s teeth by mistake and I just could not shut up.”


Short fortune teller

Submitted by Wilson Allen

Madame Nyteshade had two claims to fame: She could tell fortunes and she was a little person.

The local authorities frowned at her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had her arrested and she was placed in a holding cell. 

Since she was so small, she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. The judge ordered the local newspaper to print an article about.

The following was printed in the paper the next day: “Small medium at large.”


No dogs allowed

Submitted by Lucy Wilkinson

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. 

The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”

Without missing a beat, the guy says, “This is my seeing-eye dog.” 

“Oh, man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” 

The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” 

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. 

The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here.”

“This is my seeing-eye dog,” the second man replies. 

The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. I have never heard of them having Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”

The man pauses and replies, “What?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!”


Work or pleasure?

Submitted by Karl Landon

A U.S. Marine colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, he posed a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much was pleasure. 

A major chimed saying it was 75 percent work and 25 percent pleasure.

A captain said it was 50-50.

A lieutenant responded saying it was 75 percent pleasure and 25 percent work, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100 percent pleasure.”

“Why do you say that?” the colonel asked.

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”


Now that I’m older…

Submitted by Jan Weeks

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this crap is not what I expected.

My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. Fine, it was a pizza...OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?  

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes. 

I have sex daily. I mean, dyslexia. 

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Did you know that 4 out of 3 people struggle with math?

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

I love approaching 80. I learn something new every day and forget five other things. 

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him. 

I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day. 

Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Does running late count as exercise?

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

Of course size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.

My wife says I only have two faults. I don’t listen and something else…

My husband thinks I’m crazy, but I’m not the one who married me.

My body is a temple—ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.

Buy the shoes. No point in being the richest one in the cemetery.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.


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