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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters - February 2021

Laughing Matters Zebra

Crumpled up

Submitted by Betty Cain

While enjoying their evening cocktails, a wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three or four buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage and pulled out a crumpled $20. 

He took the crumpled $20 from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties…and pulled out a crumpled $50.

He took the crumpled $50 and started breathing a little quicker.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

Trying to contain his excitement, he shook his head. 

She said, “Check your truck in the garage.”

Out of towner

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

The other day I was driving around town when I got stuck behind an out-of-town driver.

She must have been from out of town, because she actually stopped at the red lights and the stop signs.

Farewell to 2020

Submitted by Jil Goebel

Here are 11 things to consider as we closed the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020:  Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. Every few days try your jeans on to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

7. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars and keep men at home!

8. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

9. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

10. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the back yard. I’m getting tired of the living room.

11. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money. 

Pigs for sale

Submitted by Josh Harper

A farmer had five female pigs that he decided to sell at the county fair since times were hard. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. They decided to mate the pigs and split everything evenly. The farmers lived 60 miles away from one another so they agreed to each drive 30 miles to a field in which to mate their pigs. 

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up early, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, and drove the 30 miles. 

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?” 

“If they’re grazing in the morning, they’re pregnant,” he replied. “If they’re in the mud, they’re not.” 

The next morning, the farmer woke up to find the pigs rolling in the mud. He hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon, met the other farmer in the field and proceeded to try again. 

The following morning, he found them in the mud again. 

The same thing happened every day for a week. One morning, the farmer was so tired that he couldn’t get out of bed. 

“Honey,” the farmer asked his wife, “look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field.”  

“Neither,” his wife said. “They’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

Talking parrot

Submitted by Sue C. Hughey

While on a business trip to South America, Todd is impressed by a parrot displayed in front of a pet store, rattling off phrases in several different languages. Todd decides to buy the parrot, and has it shipped directly to his father as a gift for his upcoming birthday. Upon his return to the States several days later, Todd calls his father. 

“Hi, Dad, did you like the parrot I sent you?” 

“I did!” answers his father. “It was delicious!” 

“Dad!” exclaims Todd, “You ATE him? That bird was worth a fortune! It could speak five different languages!”

“Well...” said Dad, “He shoulda said somethin’.”

Life advice

Submitted by Jan Weeks

When we’re young, we sneak out of our house to go to parties. When we’re old, we sneak out of parties to go home.

Once you understand why the pizza is made round, packed in a square box and eaten as a triangle…then you will understand women.

If you get a loan at a bank, you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you ROB a bank, you’ll be out in 10 years.

Welcome campers! Safe social distancing: 100 yards for bears, 50 yards for skunks, 25 yards for raccoons, and six feet for Aunt Edna.

Fish bite twice a day—before you get there and after you leave.

Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos—what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

I think the real reason this generation is so angry is because their music sucks.

I bet Canada feels like they live in the apartment above a meth lab.

Two things to make your day better: don’t watch the news and stay off the bathroom scales.

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned, who is willing to sell her husband’s tools for cheap.

Q: If 2020 was a drink, what would it be? A: Colonoscopy prep