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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters - January 2021

Laughing Matters cat

NUMBER JOKES

Submitted by Thelma & Nathan Humphrey

The guys got together once a week to tell jokes, but they decided it took a long time to tell them all. So, they decided to assign a number to each joke. The next time they got together, someone said “Number 17,” and everyone laughed and laughed. Another said, "Number 54." Laugh, laugh! Then a third man said, “Number 22.” No laughter. He said, “I don’t understand! No one laughed!” So one fellow explained, “Well, some can tell a joke. Some don’t know how!”

GETTING OLD

Submitted by Jan Weeks

• Having plans sounds like a good idea, until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

• It’s weird being the same age as old people.

• When I was a kid, I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.

• It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

• Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, remember...don’t sing!

• I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

• I see people about my age mountain climbing. I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

• I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

• I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit. 

• You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

• We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

MAD MONEY

Submitted by Sally Cliff

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years, Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $2,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $2,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

GOT WORMS?

Submitted by Tim Smith

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon, so he placed four worms into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol, the second was put into a container of cigarette smoke, the third was put into a container of chocolate syrup and the fourth was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister revealed that the worm in the alcohol was dead, the worm in the cigarette smoke was dead and the worm in chocolate syrup was dead, but the worm in clean soil was alive and well. 

The minister asked the congre- gation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly said, “If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms.”

OBSCENE PHONE CALL

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A mad scientist clones one of the devil’s sidekicks. Of course, he’s a bad guy. Mean, rotten and especially talking dirty to everybody.

The scientist realizes his mistake, and invents a spray mist that will dissolve the clone. He confronts his creation on the 13th floor (where else?) of a building. As the scientist advances, the creature retreats, stumbles and falls through a win- dow to the sidewalk below and dies. The cops show up and arrest the scientist. The charge? Making an obscene clone fall.

YEAR-END WITTICISMS

Submitted by Jan Weeks

• At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in, “That’s a load of 2020” or “What the 2020?”

• I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

• Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

• Coronacoaster (noun): the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, working out, baking banana bread and going for long walks. The next, you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

• If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

• If 2020 was a math word problem: You’re going down a river at 2 MPH. If your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to reshingle your roof?

• Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

• Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

• The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

• Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Husband: I never knew she sold flowers.

FROM THE MOUTH OF BABES

Submitted by Martha Williams

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old granddaughter on my after- noon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”