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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters - December 2020

Laughing Matters stock photo of dog wearing sunglasses

You’re from Colorado if…

Submitted by Gloria Vance

You’ll eat ice cream in the winter.

When the weather report says it’s going to be 65 degrees, you shave your legs and wear a skirt.

It snows 5 inches and you don’t expect school to be canceled. 

You wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.

You have no accent at all, but can hear other people’s. And then you make fun of them.

“Humid” is over 25 percent.

Your sense of direction is “toward” the mountains and “away” from the mountains.

You say “the interstate” and everybody knows which one.

You know what the Continental Divide is.

You call it Elitches, not Six Flags.

You don’t think Coors beer is that big of a deal.

You went to Casa Bonita as a kid.

You’ve gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities.

You always know the elevation of where you are.

You wake up to a beautiful 80-degree day and wonder if it’s going to snow tomorrow.

You don’t care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile High.

Everybody wears jeans to church.

You actually know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV.

You know what a “trust fund hippy” is and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.

A bear on your front porch doesn’t bother you.

Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the Raiders (and the Patriots).

When people out East tell you that they have mountains in their state, too, you just laugh.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels “sticky” and you notice the sky is no longer blue. 


Trick to weight loss

Submitted by Cooper Hansen

Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 

He said, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should’ve lost at least five pounds.”

When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped nearly 20 pounds. 

“That’s amazing!” the doctor said. “You did this just by following my instructions?”

The slimmed-down Mr. Johnson nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean,” the doctor said. 

“No,” Mr. Johnson replied, “from skipping.”


Cops and robbers

Submitted by Terry Mercer

As three, rowdy 8-year-old boys played cops and robbers throughout the house, Ray-Ray encountered Mom in the kitchen. She was instructed to put up her hands in defeat, and then told to give up all her money. 

When the lady of the house said that she didn’t have any money, the robber replied, “Okay, well give me all your food stamps!”


Forgive your enemies

Submitted by Bob Dobbins

The subject of the preacher’s Sunday sermon was “forgive your enemies.” After a long sermon, he asked the congregation how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. 

Not satisfied, he harangued for another 20 minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. 

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. 

“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” she said.

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?” 

“Ninety-three,” she replied.

“Mrs. Jones, please tell the congregation how a person can live to be 93 and not have an enemy in the world.”

“It’s easy,” she said. “I outlived them all.”


Swabbing decks

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Mary and Jane have been best friends since kindergarten. They graduated from high school together, joined the Navy together, and were delighted to be assigned to the same ship. 

Now, Mary is very attractive and Jane is, well, not. After their first day at sea, they go to the women’s quarters, flop down on their bunks and in unison say, “Wow, am I tired.”

Mary asked, “Why are you tired?”

Jane replied, “Because I spent all day swabbing the decks. Why are you tired?”

Mary stands up, and in her best Mae West pose and voice, clenches her fist and says, “Because, dearie, I spent all day deckin’ the swabs!”


First date

Submitted by Saul Downing

After a first date, a young man takes the girl back to her home. He decides to try for their first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?”

Embarrassed, she replies, “I couldn’t do that. My parents will see us!”

“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us.”

“There’s nobody around. They’re all sleeping!”

“It’s just too risky!”

“Oh, please, please! I like you so much!”

“No. I like you, too, but I just can’t!”

“Please?”

Suddenly the porch light turns on and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice, she says, “Mom says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, she’ll come down herself and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”


One-liners

Submitted by Hap Jordan

Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. 

I invented a new word: Plagiarism!

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100? Once. The next time, you’d be subtracting 10 from 90.