Laughing Matters February 2020Jan 28, 2020 10:46AM ● By Beacon Senior News
Submitted by Ralph Bickel
Little Sammy was practicing his violin in the living room while his father was trying to read his newspaper in the den. The family dog was lying in front of the father, and as the screeching sounds of the youngster’s playing reached the pup’s ears, he began to howl.
The father endured the violin and the dog as long as he could. Finally, he jumped up and slammed his paper to the floor and yelled, “For pity’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”
Show and tell
Submitted by Martha Veale
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a show and tell assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin. I’m Jewish and this is the Star of David.”
The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m Catholic and this is a rosary.”
The third student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am a Methodist. And this is a casserole.”
Submitted by Walter Cunningham
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “The druggist insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”
The husband immediately drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then I was driving a little too fast and I got a speeding ticket. Then when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I opened the store and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
“It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”
Marriage adds up
Submitted by Sally Anders
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed. “How do you know that?”
“It’s easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up like the Bishop said: four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.”
Mixed up emails
Submitted by Deborah Thompson
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.
Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an email back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address and sent the email without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve arrived.
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Submitted by Ralph Bickel
If con is the opposite of pro, do you know what the opposite of progress is?
Do I need to tell you? Congress.
Spread my ashes
Submitted by Kathy Zimmer
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will. She told her preacher that she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated. Second, she wanted her ashes scattered in the Walmart parking lot.
“Walmart?” the preacher asked. “Why Walmart?”
The woman replied, “So I can make sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
Submitted by Cloie Sandlin
Why did the lifeguards have to kick the elephants out of the pool?
Because they kept dropping their trunks