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Beacon Senior News

A senior’s New Year’s resolutions

Jan 06, 2020 03:47PM ● By Gloria Burke

The years have really taken their toll on my humor genes. It’s been far too long since I’ve had a sidesplitting laugh or a non-stop giggle session with someone over something just plain silly. The truth is, I’ve become a humor-impaired adult and I resolve to change this year through the following resolutions.

  1. Even though I admit to being 80 something, I refuse to act my age. I resolve to live each day as though I am at least 30 years my junior. Admittedly, this may be in “thought” only because doing what I did at 50 just isn’t possible anymore.
  2. Even though I’ve known for years that I need to lose weight, I know I’ll never wear that coveted title of “Biggest Loser.” I flatly refuse to give up my lifelong, loving relationship with mashed potatoes and gravy.
  3. I will, however, start an exercise program in the New Year. I solemnly promise to engage in the Japanese practice of origami at least three times a week.
  4. I resolve to continue my lifelong habit of pushing the speed limit whenever possible. No one is going to accuse me of being one of those slow senior drivers who think the expressway should be renamed “Retirement Road.”
  5. I resolve to be better informed about younger terminology. When my granddaughter asked recently if I had ever worn a thong, I replied, “No, because I wouldn’t like the way they would feel between my toes!” She broke up laughing realizing I thought thongs were those shoes called “flip-flops!”
  6. I resolve to give up Nick at Nite reruns and give new TV sitcoms a chance.
  7. I resolve to continue working at my computer in the comfort of whatever happens to fall out of my closet, knowing that my creative genes don’t care how I’m dressed.
  8. I resolve to work on mastering the art of the quick comeback. Last summer a member of the male sex had the nerve to ask me, “When are you going to retire?” I quickly blurted back, “When are you going to have a baby?”
  9. I will now make it publicly known that ever since my divorce over 30 years ago, I’ve continued to sleep with Flossie, my teddy bear. Flossie is soft and cuddly and never complains about a headache. Best of all, she doesn’t snore or belch!
  10. I resolve to greet everyone with a smile and laugh a whole lot more, even when the situation doesn’t warrant either one. Which, according to the way I’ve been going, is most of the time. I want to do everything I can to recapture my imagination and get in touch with my inner child who has been out to lunch far too long.