Laughing Matters January 2020Dec 30, 2019 01:35PM ● By Beacon Senior News
The flood Submitted by Bob Breazeale
A large motorhome from New York pulls into the only gas station in a very small town in Arizona, near the Mexico border. A man steps out of the motorhome (you know the type—designer Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, $200 athletic shoes and zinc oxide on his nose). He tells the attendant to “fill-er-up” and walks into the small restaurant nearby.
The only person inside is an old man with a cup of coffee, dozing off. The tourist says to the man, “Sure is hot.”
The old man startles awake and says, “Yup.”
Tourist: “How hot do you think it is?”
Old man: “I ain’t equipped to say.”
Tourist: “Do you ever get any rain around here?”
Old man: “Seldom.”
Tourist: “What’s the most rain you’ve ever had?”
“Do you remember that story in the Bible about Noah and the ark?”
Tourist: “Sure, that’s when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Old man: “That’s right. Well, we got about an inch out of all that.”
Do I know you? Submitted by Roy Connell
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness—an elderly woman—to the stand during a trial.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
Magic elevator Submitted by David Burk
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a large older lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a young, voluptuous blonde woman stepped out.
At that point, the father said quietly to his son, “Go get your mother.”
Bed sheets Submitted by Ginny Chasteen
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, barely containing his laughter and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”
Full house call Submitted by Jen Estes
An on-call doctor was sitting at home with his wife when the phone rang. The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh, yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already.”
The birds and the bees Submitted by Carol Scott
A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me!”
Confused, the father asked what’s wrong.
“Oh, Dad,” the boy sobbed. “When I was 6, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. At 7, I got the ‘There’s no Easter bunny’ speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’ speech. If you’re going to tell me that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”