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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters October 2019

Sep 30, 2019 11:52AM ● By Beacon Senior News
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A spooky one

Submitted by Cloie Sandlin

A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books on the paranormal.

The librarian says in an ominous voice, “...they're right behind you.”

 

Bunch of bull

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Tom is a young man who is fascinated with the rodeo, especially bull riding. He knows that there is an old man in town that used to ride bulls. That's how he became crippled.

Tom goes into town and sees the old man sitting in a rocking chair with a cane across his lap in front of the general store. Tom asks the man, “Are you the guy who used to ride bulls?”

The old man replies, “Yup.”

Tom asks, “Would you teach me how to ride bulls?”

The old man tips his hat back and looks Tom up and down and then says, “I guess so.”

Tom asks, “What do I have to do?”

The old man says, “First you need to go into the general store and buy a bag of marbles.”

After Tom comes back with the marbles, the old man says, “Now slip one up under your hatband. Every time you get on a bull, you put your marble under your hatband. When that bull throws you, and you go flying one way and your hat goes another way, you get up, put your hat back on and slip another marble under your hatband and get back on another bull. And you keep doing that.”

Tom asks, “Then what?”

The old man leans back in his chair, slides his hat over his eyes and folds his arms across his chest as if to go to sleep. Then he gets a big smile on his face and says, “Then, Sonny, after you've lost all your marbles, you'll be a bull rider.”

 

Under where?

Submitted by Jeremy Splude

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked the man for blood, urine and feces samples.

The man was slightly deaf and said, “What?”

The doctor said, “I need a blood, urine and feces sample.”

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, “The doctor needs a pair of your underwear.”

 

A New hearing aid

Submitted by R. Belcher

It seemed an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100 percent.

The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor who said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

“Oh, I haven't told my family yet,” the man replied. “I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times.”

 

Out of bounds

Submitted by James Birdsill

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors, pointing out some of her rules.

“The female wing of the building will be out of bounds for all males, and the male wing to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”

An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired, “How much for a season pass?”

 

What was its name?

Submitted by Rebecca Kolar

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques for visualization and association. It made a huge difference for me.”

“That's great! What was the name of the clinic?”

Fred went blank. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that's it!” He turned to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

You know you’re addicted to coffee when…

Submitted by Charles Craig

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You’ve built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You introduce your spouse as your “coffee mate.”

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

 

Do you know who I am?

Submitted by George Wheeler

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” he said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” the usher asked.

“No,” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

 

Short fall jokes

Submitted by Carrie Lambert

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.

Why did summer catch autumn? Because autumn is fall.