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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters

Oct 04, 2017 01:27PM ● By BEACON Senior News

Very busy

Submitted by Katie Moreno

Two new mothers were talking about a friend of theirs, who had just given birth to triplets. “You know, that only happens one in 12,000 times,” one mother said. “Amazing!” said the other. “How did she ever find time to do any housework?”


Religious intolerance

Submitted by Candice Howard

A guy had been isolated on an island in the South Pacific for 10 years. He lit a signal every night, but no one saw it and no one came to rescue him. Finally, the captain of a passing ship noticed the signal and sent a small boat to investigate. The castaway explained that he had been on this island for a decade, waiting to be rescued. “If you’re all alone, what are those three huts I see built in the lagoon?” asked the captain. “The first hut is my home,” said the castaway. “The second hut is where I go to church, and the third hut is where I went to church before I got mad and changed churches.”


A sign from above

Submitted by Alice Seddon

A priest and a pastor from two local churches were standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground. It read, “The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It’s Too Late!” As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, “Leave us alone, you idiots!” It drove around the curve ahead, and then the two men heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turned to the priest. “Do you think the sign should just say, ‘Bridge Out?’” he asked.


Could have been me

Submitted by Mary Randall

An elderly Coloradan called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried. The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer radioed back in. “Disregard,” he said. “She got in the backseat by mistake.”


The biker bar

Submitted by Martha Vest

A drunk man walked into a biker bar, sat down and ordered a drink. Looking around, he saw three men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, and looked the biggest, meanest biker dead in the eye. “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked,” he jeered. “Man, she is one fine-looking woman!” The biker looked at him without saying a word. His buddies were confused— this guy had a mean reputation. The drunk leaned on the table again. “Let’s just say this,” he said. “Your grandma is the best ever!” Now the biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulders, looked him square in the eyes and said, “Grandpa, go home. You’re drunk.”


A gift for Mom

Submitted by Linda Gregg

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. During one visit together, they discussed the gifts they had just sent to their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.” Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her thank-you notes. “Milton,” she wrote to the first son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” “Marvin,” she wrote to the second son, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to the third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!”


The herd

Submitted by Isabel Loya

A rancher was overseeing his herd in a remote, mountainous pasture when a brand-new BMW came toward him in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man dressed in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and a Yves Saint Laurent tie, leaned out the window. “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” he asked. The rancher looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calm- ly answered, “Sure, why not?”The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his MacBook Pro, connected it to his cell phone, and surfed to a NASA page online, where he called up a satellite to get an exact fix on his location. Then he fed the data to another NASA satellite to scan the area and take an ultra-high-resolution photo. He opened the image in Photoshop and exported it to an image processing facility in Germany. Within seconds, the yuppie received an email on his smartphone. He accessed a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turned to the rancher and said, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.” “That’s right,” said the rancher. “Well, fair’s fair. I guess you can take one of my calves.” He watched the young man select an animal and looked on with amusement as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car. Then he said, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man thought about it, then replied, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a congressman in the U.S. government.” “Wow!” said the yuppie, stunned. “That’s correct, but how did you guess that?” “No guessing required,” answered the rancher. “You showed up here even though nobody called you, wanting to get paid for an answer I already knew and a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living! Or about cows for that matter—this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!”