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Beacon Senior News

Laughing Matters

Aug 28, 2017 02:25PM ● By BEACON Senior News

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from a good college and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14 percent, how much would you take off?” The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”


Deer hunters

Submitted by Daniel Louis

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. “Where’s Henry?” the others asked. “Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied. “You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back?” they asked, shocked. “A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”


The haircut

Submitted by David Downey

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there was a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


An affair to remember

Submitted by Norman Baker

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.” “There’s no need,” his wife replied. “No,” he insisted. “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!” “I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”


True wisdom

Submitted by John Willett

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging river. They needed to get across, but had no idea how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please, God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please, God, give me the strength and the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


Softball game

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

In 1970, I was stationed at a small Navy communications base in northern California. The captain of the base held an annual officers versus enlisted men softball game. Enlisted kicked the officers’ brass that day, but you would never know it by what the captain posted on the bulletin board the next day. It read: “I would like to congratulate the officers’ softball team for finishing second in their league this year. I would like to encourage the enlisted men to keep trying, since their team finished next to last.”


Blonde joke

Submitted by Ted Boothroyd

A blonde gal walks into a body shop to get some dents fixed on her car. One of the workers sees this as an opportunity to have a little fun. “What can I do for you?” the worker asks. “I’m coming in to see if you can take some dents out of my car,” the gal replies. After walking around the car and looking at the damage, the worker says, “You know, lady, you could do this job yourself and save a bundle.” “Really?” she asks. “What do I have to do?” “It’s easy,” he says.“Because the dents are so small, all you need to do when you get home is wait until the car cools off and then blow into your exhaust pipe. The dents will just pop out on their own from the air pressure.” “Thanks, mister! I’ll do that,” the gal says. At home, the blonde pulls up a stool and starts blowing into the exhaust pipe. Just as she starts to run out of breath, another blonde lady, a passerby, asks what she’s doing. “I’m just blowing the dents out of my car, but so far it’s not working very well,” she groans. The other blonde takes a closer look and says, “Well, it’s no wonder, silly. You have to roll up all the windows first.”