Submitted by Bob Breazeale
I’m trying to compose a country-western song, but parts of it are harder than I thought. I haven’t written any music or lyrics (that’s the hard part), but I do have a theme and a title. It’s about a guy who asks his long-time girlfriend to marry him, but she turns him down.
I’m going to call it, “I Gave Her The Ring, She Gave Me The Finger.”
Submitted by Gary Robertson
Last time I went to my favorite 101 Flavors Ice Cream Stand, I saw a customer handing back a cone filled with hairy, brown ice cream.
“Vanilla?” asked the vendor. “I thought you said gorilla!”
Submitted by Dan Johnson
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem and they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, calls it a song and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!
Submitted by Carol Downing
Question: If the government put a red car in every garage in the US, what would this country end up being?
Answer: A red car-nation.
The business trip
Submitted by Bob Breazeale
John has to fly back east on a business trip. After checking in and going through security, he finds a seat in the waiting area and waits for his flight to be called. He notices a guy sitting across from him, staring at him. John looks away, checks his watch, then his ticket and looks up to see this guy still staring at him. John looks away again and checks his carry-on bag, then looks up again. The guy is still staring at him.
“Hey, buddy,” John says. “Why are you staring at me?”
“Sorry,” the guy says. “I don’t mean to stare, but except for the mustache, you look exactly like my wife.”
John says, “But I don’t have a mustache.”
Submitted by Carmela Walker
An elderly couple decides to celebrate their 50th anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They reserved the same honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. They wake up in the morning and order a room service breakfast, which they begin to eat in the nude.
“Oh, Harold!” sighs the wife. “This is just like 50 years ago. My chest feels all warm and tingly!”
“Well, it ought to, Gladys,” says her husband. “One breast is in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!”
Submitted by Gary Robertson
If a Latin dance instructor wants to take time off, what does he ask for? A sambatical?
Submitted by Aurelia Sowers
Three mischievous old women were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the women yelled, “I bet we can tell exactly how old you are!”
“There ain’t no way you can guess exactly, you old fools,” the man replied.
“Sure we can!” said another woman. “Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age.”
A little embarrassed, he dropped his drawers. The women stared at him, asked him to turn around a couple of times and asked him to jump up and down for a little while.
Then they all said, “You’re 84 years old!”
“How in the world did you guess?” asked the man.
The ornery old women snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, they all yelled in unison, “Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!”
Submitted by Evelyn Houston
A new golfer showed up at a club, and he was incredible.
“You’re spectacular!” said his caddy. “You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”
The golfer replied, “The holes are numbered.”
Submitted by Jesse McGuire
During a trial in a small Colorado town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a proper, well-dressed elderly lady, well spoken and poised. She was sworn in on the Bible, and asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God.
“Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” asked the prosecuting attorney.
“Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams,” she said. “I’ve known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the sense to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pusher. Yes, I know you quite well.”
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn’t even think for a few minutes. He slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors’ faces, not to mention the court reporter who had documented every word.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
“Why, yes, I do,” she said. “I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. The man can’t keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Besides, he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him.”
As she spoke, the defense attorney started slowly slipping down in his chair, staring at the floor. Gasps and laughter filled the courtroom, and the audience was on the verge of chaos. The judge ordered the courtroom to silence, then called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said, “If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you’re going to jail.”
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